Spring Love

She does not touch me as she used to do
She smiles with warmth however.
And embraces quick and scheduled well
But she professes her love forever.

Yet upon his return she kisses long
With open mouth and arms clasped tight
Passing touches and smiles abound
And caresses through the night

I watch as Spring Love fills the house
And hope I am not in the Fall
For their Love is new and flowers bloom
But the warmth is not there for all.

I am not jealous for I know that feeling well
We had it in the Spring of our Love
Loving glances and caresses made
And nothing could soar above

Does familiarity breed contempt I ask
For I fear her love has waned
In the shadow of Spring Love at last
On our sunny days it has rained.

But I know none of this is true
I am simply voicing irrational fear
For my heart fills with heartfelt Love
Every time she ventures near.

What is Love?

What makes a Love so stronger than
The mere vows that passed their lips?
What keeps a Love so stronger than
A mighty fury with hands on hips?

What shows a Love more resilient
Than any parting that comes its way?
What means a Love that can withstand
When Passion asks another to stay?

Compersion lies in the Heart unbound
And swells a love completely.
Accepting Love from all directions
It fills a soul with honey.

“How can you share?” The World may ask
And to this I answer: “Easily”.
For I am sure in my Love’s strong ties
And know it runs so deeply.

“Are you not Jealous?” They all must ask
For this is what we are taught.
“Yes. At times.” I answer clearly
But this is just a fleeting thought.

To see their Love so sweetly bound
Into a larger family.
With sharing spread among all within
And the pieces fall in so neatly.

If Pride’s a Sin, I may go to Hell
But Proud I am of our tight knit Three
We journey forth as a unit complete
A Love shared so easily.

Proof Of Cuddling

Gently wrapped in warmth and Love
A pillow on the head above
To touch the shin with a restless toe
Boldly gone where no toe should go

In moonlit spaces with curtains veiled
And morning light filtered and paled
A creeping hand will slowly glide
Across a breast of a future bride.

And “No” she says with a muffled grunt
And once again spoils his furtive hunt.
And to his own devices he is left to deal
With a raging warmth he tries not to feel.

But in the night with waning consciousness
Her muted declines are broadcast less
And taking advantage of sleep so deep
His body begins its persistent creep.

And morning comes with tales of glee:
“I touched the Queen with my very knee!”
She responds with shaking head
And plans to leave him cold in a king size bed.

For she seems immune to his advances
And warns that he is just taking chances
Of incurring a wrath so strong and true
If he continues to do what he wants to do.

But me thinks she doth protest too much
In her abstentions to her Lover’s touch.
For one fine dawn with birds a chirping
She is captured with proof of cuddling.

Letter to my Love

My Queen,

When I first met you I wanted to hold your hand.

Standing there in the Bar with your back to the column, I wanted to reach out and pull you close and forget where I was and what my life had brought me to that point. But, unfortunately you were untouchable. You seemed to taunt me with your presence. Daring me to do the things I could not. Your smile radiated a sense of strength yet openness. You were pulling me to the surface and threatening to drag me into the light.

It scared me while tantalizing images of us together haunted the back of my brain.

It all came crashing down and you evaporated when “O” showed up. I felt a sense of loss and frustration. Of doom and helplessness. And I did not want to feel that again.

So I did my best to avoid you for my own safety and sanity. You were too much to want. Too much to hope for.

But it was so hard.

At the beach cleanup I feared seeing you while at the same time wanted dearly to be close to you. Winning the doorprize fleece was both a blessing and a curse. Each time I wore it I thought of you and it made me feel that much closer to you but also highlighted the fact that you needed to stay far away.

When I was invited to your place for your birthday I agonized about the offer. If it were not for TG and his lack of morals I would not have ventured to your place. Sitting at the table with you and the other women and talking about orgasms and laughing was torturous but delicious at the same time. I was jealous of the familiarity the women had with you. I wanted to be in that circle. I was giddy with the acceptance of my presence.

Stalking you on the internet to find your last name and phone number was so clandestine that it made me shudder. When I found reference to you I needed even more information. Reading about your fencing win felt so personal and I almost stopped there. It was again too tantalizing and offered another dimension to you that I relished but was also frustrating. You grew larger in my mind.

I do not know how I managed to invite you over. I agonized over it. My heart pounded. There was fear as well as a bit of hope that you would deny my offer. Would I be able to handle having you all to myself?

When you did come over I was overwhelmed with happiness. Words flowed easily and the radiating energy of sitting together on the couch drinking wine was wonderful. Making love, (and it was making love to you from my perspective) was not actually how I wanted things to begin but it was fabulous. Our undulating bodies on the floor of the dining room seemed less romantic and lingering than I would have liked. I wanted to absorb you much more slowly. That being said it was a dream come true.

Moving into your house was so easy. The sheer enjoyment of being a daily part of your life was amazing.

To this day, the little things made me happy and relish life. Sharing the bathroom sink. Bathing together. Meeting you at the door with a gin and tonic. Cleaning your range. Doing the dishes. It all brought me closer to your existence.

It is for all the above that I completely understand the sheer love BF has for you. I understand where he is coming from. I understand his need. The similarities of both of our introduction to you and our pasts are undeniable. From where I watch, I am pleased for him. That stage of Love is a wonderful, if agonizing, feeling. Uncontrollable Love is like that.

Things may have seemed to have changed between you and I. We have moved into another stage of our relationship where familiarity may appear to have taken over from the passion. I may not be as giddy and open with my conversations and we are comfortable in our respective spots on the couch. None of that means I love you less. If anything, I love you more. You are no longer a dream I want to make real, you are a dream that has become real. And I am so happy for it. I am so grateful for it.

The silence between us never feels oppressive (unless you are in a bad mood or I have done something wrong…). The silence is one of comfort in the knowledge that we are together and there is no need to reinforce our love. I do not want to cuddle simply because it is required or expected. I want to cuddle because I want to feel you next to me at that moment. However, sitting on the couch, two feet apart and being able to reach out and touch your elbow is just as beautiful.

Your relationship with me and your relationship with BF are at completely different points. I often say that you and I are still in our honeymoon and I still believe that. You and BF are in the early stages of overwhelming love and desire. Both are very powerful and both are valuable. They are just expressed differently. The way you reach out and hold his hand or wrap your arms around him or even the way you both kiss are very different from how you and I interact. You kiss each other as if it might be days or weeks until you will have the opportunity again. You and I kiss to acknowledge our love and our bond.

The pitfall is if we start to compare the types of love. This can not be done. There is no comparison. There is understanding but one can not be evaluated next to the other. Sometimes I do this and I believe you do this as well and it is for this reason that you bring up the infrequency of our love-making or that I am not cuddling you as often and why you seem to have a sense of relief when I pull you close and kiss you passionately. It is as if you are awaiting or wanting some substantiation for my love for you.

This I can not give. I do not know how to express any further the amount of love I have for you. There are no bounds to it and it is pervasive in all I do and in every minute of the day. I think of you constantly and the thought of seeing you at the end of the work day propels me toward that encounter and makes the days flow by faster.

I do not believe in auras but I do believe that Love radiates around us. Being within two feet of you or from a distance while you are at work I can feel our love and our connection. It wafts over me at every moment and I thank the world for it.

You are my Queen and my Love and my Everything.

I love you.

Envy

This past week was an exceptionally busy one for my wife.

Thursday her Boyfriend stayed over night and I slept in the other room to give them some much-needed alone time.

Friday night she had a date with her new Girlfriend and I went out to our local pub for some draught and games of Pool with two sneaky sharks. They lulled me into a perceived state of confidence then commanded the table with lightening abilities. I came home to the women’s giggling in the bedroom. It was cute and was glad for their happiness.

Saturday saw the Boyfriend back over at our place and I slept in the other room again. He has been going through some serious changes in his home life and needed the love and support we could provide. It was a special time for them too because he did not have to get up and leave early in the morning. I left them to sip their coffees in bed and rise when they wanted to. He hugged me and told me how wonderful I am for giving them this opportunity.

Sunday night my Wife headed out with a friend to what turned out to be an amazing burlesque show where she also was able to see her Girlfriend again. I fell asleep on the couch and was gently woken up when she returned.

Understandably she is a bit tired and wants to spend some quiet nights with our favourite TV shows and me. I am looking forward to this. But there is a part of me that feels a little left out.

I am certainly not jealous of her Boyfriend and Girlfriend. They are both wonderful people and I am so happy for her luck. She is a Lucky Woman. What this does however is make me feel not so Lucky. Which is silly as I have the most wonderful Partner and Family and it gives me great pleasure to see her Happy and Loved like this. Similarly I feel somewhat alone. Again this is silly but nonetheless true.

I have all I need in my Life yet I feel these things: Envy, Loneliness and Unlucky. I find myself wishing I had some of the things she has in terms of her additional romances and abundance of Love and physical pleasures.

As a man I have found that it is significantly harder to meet new people. There is an immediate sense of sleeziness and predatory behaviour in men seeking out partners overtly. Especially if they are married. Being Polyamorous and an Ethical Slut is a hard hurdle to cross. It does not enter into the conversation very well once the wedding ring is noticed. It always sounds like a ploy “to get into someone’s pants”. Wanting to enter into a Loving relationship appears even less believable.

“Yeah, sure your wife is okay with you seeing other women… sure.”

So I feel I must rely on Lady Luck to put me in the right place at the right time, or rely on being set up by my Wife. The latter makes me feel needed and a charity case. Why can’t I do this on my own?

Anyway, I am not Unhappy and I can find little to complain about. I simply feel it important to express these feelings so that they do not fester. Discussion is a cornerstone of Polyamory and my Wife and I do often. She nods and offers a sympathetic pout for me. I love her for that.

Change

Ah what a difference a change makes.

I have taken the advice of several folks, including my doctor and made a significant change in my Life.

Three weeks ago I had a seizure while sitting in bed having my coffee. This followed a night out on the town seeing KB’s favourite band. I immediately saddled up and went to see Dr Doc and squirmed my way through a session of implicating questions.

“How much do I drink?”
“Do I know that alcohol has serious repercussions on the medications I am taking?”
“Are you aware that alcohol and the medications could cause seizures?”

I sheepishly answered the questions stating that I wanted to stop the intake of alcohol for a number of reasons (vanity in the form of watching my gut expand being a significant one too) but had had no luck forcing the matter.

Well, the fear on KB’s face when I came out of the seizure and the aesthetic pallor of the hole I was digging for myself in terms of my Depression, have sealed the deal finally.

As of then, I quit drinking and sought the help of a counsellor to aid in the transition.

Now, just over three weeks into this change, the world has certainly opened up for me.

I am Smiling again.

We are Making Love again, passionately.

I am no longer plagued with irrational fears.

I have gone back and read some of my posts and am dismally saddened by what I wrote in terms of my irrational reaction to KB’s Boyfriend.

I can only say that I was not in the right mind.

KB is certainly falling deeper into Love with Boyfriend and I am pleased for her. We are talking openly about their relationship and Boyfriend has become a part of our existence. He is welcome over to our place at any time and the atmosphere is Loving. I even bought him a copy of The Ethical Slut for some private reading.

I am starting to feel not so “broken” and am hoping that feeling will translate into a stronger Me.

Impetus for Recovery

Okay so yesterday was a low day and it only got lower.

My post sent me into an unexpected Wallowing, which The Ethical Slut could help nothing with.

I rambled and completely forgot myself. Forgot the parameters of my Depression and the effect it has on those around me.

KB and I met after work and I was asked how I was feeling. I am not good at speaking plainly in person and prefer to write so I told her I had blogged about my feelings. She rebelled against this and demanded that I tell her plainly how I am feeling and that she did not want to “read about it” in my blog as the only way to get into my head.

So I told her, haltingly.

She reacted with heartfelt emotion and tears flowed.

She admitted that she does not feel compelled or desirous of me because I am never Happy. My Depression is taking a toll on her. She cannot support me alone and is crumbling under the weight.

As I have said before, I am not much of a catch at the present. It appears that I rarely laugh or smile anymore and am short with my kids. I am wallowing in my Depression and have been transferring these feelings onto her relationship with Boyfriend.

I have nothing to worry about but I do and that is not her fault. She is doing what she needs to keep Happy herself.

She was honest and brutal in her emotions and I cowered. Staring at myself from the other side of the room and shaking my head in sympathetic disapproval.

I need to pull myself out of this hole and seek help from more sources.

I Own it.

I am starting to feel as if I am intruding on KB’s thoughts.

Bearing in mind that I have been reading The Ethical Slut and have fully embraced the notion that Jealousy and Fear are my own emotions and I cannot blame them on any one else. I actually welcome those feelings as they represent a needed battle between perception and reality. Bearing the above in mind, I Know my initial statement is probably false but then again…

No, I do not think that it is false. I think it is true but I also think that it is understandable and I should not be scared by it.

I can see it in her eyes and gestures that she is thinking about Boyfriend. She now carries her phone around with her religiously as if it is his very hand. She immediately reads his Loving text messages and responds immediately. Occasionally she lets me read them. But certainly not every time. I feel as if she is editing. Or censoring.

It used to be that she constantly forgot her phone or would never be able to answer it in time. She still, despite having her phone close to her body constantly now, finds it hard to answer my texts to her.

It is hard not to feel Jealous.

She tells me that he is not as good a lover as I am. I don’t believe her. He may not know some techniques but he is learning and there is no substitute for her very evident Passion for him. She does keep telling me how much of a wonderful guy he is, though.

It is hard not to feel Jealous.

When he comes over he is overly generous to me with compliments and bringing Pumpkin Pie. He clings to my every word and me and is animated in his desire to impress me. KB is equally animated in her constant reiterating that he is constantly worried about how I feel about things. Again, he is such a Wonderful Guy. I am told often how she did not expect this and how continuously surprised she is at how much of a Wonderful Guy he is. There is the fact that she says she melts in his arms and gets wet immediately in the back stairwell when they meet during work hours.

What a Wonderful Guy.

It is hard not to feel Jealous.

And then there is the Fact that I Know I am somehow interrupting her thoughts. Bringing her Back to Earth and back to her Family. That is not to say that she is not there for us. Yes, she has not stopped being the Picture of the Perfect Wife and Mother. The fact that she can be those things while at the same time keeping a significant amount of Brain Cells focused on Boyfriend is testament to her Amazing Abilities. The Fact that she leaves me, albeit I willingly accept this, alone in the living room most evenings so that she can talk with Boyfriend on the phone.

I do wonder how he manages this amount of contact while having a Wife and Kid at home who know nothing of the Relationship. I mean if it is taking this much time away from my time with KB, and I willingly accept it, how does he do it? I guess that is also a clear indication of how barren his marriage is. I can’t help but think how lucky she is for having this much Freedom.

It is hard not to feel Jealous.

But, I own this Jealously and I have to admit that it is getting better. While I know I am interrupting her and that I probably do not, and may never have, instill in her this much Passion and Lingering Sensations after Love Making that he obviously can, and I do not pull her into nightly engrossing conversations, I also must feel some form of Satisfaction for being able to at least be in a position of accepting her Freedom and having her as My Wife and Mother of my Children.

I know that she will not stop Loving me. I know that she will never leave me. But in the face of the Passion and Desire and Love she has for Boyfriend, I wonder if she will stop Wanting me.

I guess, though, that two out of three ain’t bad.

It is hard not to feel Jealous but I own it.

The Demise According to KB

The day that George and KM broke up, we were on vacation together. KM and I retired to the tent. As we lay there KM said that she wanted to focus her attention on her budding relationship and on our relationship. She said she wanted to be with me. As George imagined our love making, KM rolled over and started texting her new man. So much for focusing on our relationship. The following few days, she was very cold to me. She sat at her computer giggling and laid on the beach with her phone, tapping away.

After returning home I didn’t hear from her for days and days. Then I heard from her. She wanted to retrieve her bike that she had loaned me so that her new man could ride it. She had keys to our house so came when we were at work. I noticed that not only did she retrieve her bike but also any other remnants of herself including her overnight toiletries. Even though she knew that George would be out of town for a few days, I was surprised that a sleepover with me wasn’t thought of. We talked but she said she was staying home.

Next came a phone call late at night. She was on her way to the hospital having taken a bad spill on her bike. As George and I sat poised to run off and meet her and care for her, she simply said she wouldn’t be able to tutor Kid #2 the next day. She said she was fine and that her new man was there.

Through the fog of her painkillers she told me how well taken care of she was. I used to be the one she called to for help. All the times she cried in my arms and I saw her through her daemons, flashed before me. I could only assume she no longer needed me or wanted me.

After about a week of healing she said she would like to see me. I went to her house and found her badly scraped and bruised with a fractured arm and a badly sprained ankle. There was no hugging or holding … she was fragile. She told me that she had been with her new man pretty much every day and that he was coming over in a little while. She told me that he was now her primary relationship and that he is not Poly but he didn’t mind that she continued to see me.

A week later I was invited over to see her. Again she said she had been spending all of her time with her new man. She told me that he suggested that we see each other on Tuesdays. A regular date night.

She wanted to do pedicures and asked if we could go to my house so she could put on one of the OPI colours I had. She assured me she was comfortable seeing George. What I noticed next was how she changed her clothes and put makeup on. I could only assume it was for him. For me, I got the cat hair infested clothing and pimply face. Maybe I should have felt honoured that she was comfortable enough with me to be so plain and natural. I really didn’t notice at the time. This has all come to surface after looking back.

Shortly after arriving at my house, George and KM slipped out onto the deck to talk. I was more and more suspicious that she had planned this already. I felt uneasy. At one point in the evening she reached out to touch me, pulled back and apologized. It was the first time in awhile that she had shown any interest in me in a physical way, and she was apologizing. I felt uneasy.

I very much enjoyed spending time with her. She makes me smile. I love being with her.

I thought and wondered what was going on with us. I went from being her primary support, her primary relationship to being designated a Tuesday-worthy date. To top it off, the Tuesday date was suggested to her by her new man. I started reflecting on the past month and how I had been brushed aside. It seemed that my feelings didn’t matter to her anymore.

I have never been the type of person to stick around in a relationship or friendship that is not real and true. When I looked at my family and saw how much they adore me, I realized that she no longer looked at me that way.

I sent her a message the following day saying that my time is precious to me and that I didn’t think that being relegated to a Tuesday date was very respectful of my value as a friend and lover (although I hadn’t been the latter in some time). I offered friendship if she felt she wanted that but no obligation to see me.

Since then I have not heard a word from her. I sent several messages and haven’t been given the decency of a response. I did however hear from a friend of hers who had a list of things she wanted returned. Several of those were ‘gifts’. I was shocked that she completely cut me out and refused to speak with me.

I have since moved on. I no longer wish to speak to her. She has shown that she is full of anger and has no desire to heal.

This blog is the last I will ever recall any of the difficulties in our relationship. I love her still and only wish her the best. I will only recall sweet memories of us together.

Guest Blogger to come soon

Someone asked me a bit ago what had happened between KM and KB. I felt it was not my place to give the details. However KB has offered to be a guest Blogger and shed some light on the Event.

Stay tuned…